Some more shiduchim rules

After my previous post on the subject I was reminded of a few more "rules"

rule #9. when going on a date to a lounge, make sure you dont go on the night they have their weekly belly dancing lessons.

rule #10. Do not go on a first date if you haven't taken a haircut in 5 months.

rule #11. Do not go on a date after not showering for 4 days.

rule #12. When disregarding rule11, make sure to mask your smell by taking her out in a van that spent the past 2 weeks full of guys who weren't showering.

rule #13. when having a couple use your house for a date, do not schedule a block meeting in your house for the same night.

rule #14. when disregarding rule13, when the couple show up at your house in middle of the meeting, make sure to send everyone into hiding untill you can get the dating couple squared away in a private space.

rule #15. when disregarding rule13, after following rule14, make sure to round up ALL the other guests, do not forget about the guy hiding in the shower leaving him there for half an hour.

The Mikvah Diggers

I was looking through some of my old files recently and I came across this thing I wrote a while back. Unfortunately there are only about 15-20 people who will truly appreciate this and I'm pretty sure not more than 2 of them are reading this blog.
Oh well, I hope you enjoy it.

Fri. 8:07 am: they stood around waiting anxiously, How will he react? will he like it? Will he be upset? Will his reaction be as expected?

He walked down the dimly lit stairs, across the dank brick hallway, through the low doorway into the boiler room. A lone light bulb, hanging by a wire from one of the many pipes on the ceiling, revealed a gaping hole where the floor once stood. As he took in the scene before him a wide smile slowly broke out across his face, “you guys are crazy, absolutely nuts” he said “oh well, now that you started you’re gonna have to finish”

“Tzomoh lecha nafshi… lir’os uzcha ukvodecha “ sounds of the singing wafted out of the basement window shattering the quiet of the Wilkes-Barre night. As the Thursday night Farbrengen slowly dwindled down the conversation shifted towards the latest news, the remodeling of the Mikvah in Kingston. “how could they just shut it down?” asks a bochur. “yeah that’s just wrong” replies another, “it doesn’t make any sense, why do they have to gut the old one now if they aren’t gonna rebuild it until after they build the new wing?” “especially without warning” chimes in a third, “they could have told us before this week that they’re shutting it down tomorrow morning”

However the real question was how are the bochurim going to go to Mikvah? Scranton? Too far for anyone other than Pinye. The Susquehanna river? Too cold for anyone other than Pinye. (not to mention the legal ramifications) JCC pool? Too full that time of day. “don’t worry” said Pinye, “the Aibeshter will help” “Uri is working on getting a hot tub” adds Yirmi “if that works out we should have our own Mikvah in a few days”. however, most of the bochurim remain skeptical, Ber seemed to express the general feeling best: “oh sure, when I see the hot tub I’ll believe it”

Despair begins to set in. the only real solution is to have our own Mikvah, but when considering the cost that seems to be no more than a dream.

“You know” says Avi “we should dig a hole in the basement like they did in Russia.” “great idea” muses Chester “just don’t let the KGB catch you” “well its been done before” Pinye exclaims excitedly “for many years the Tzfas yeshiva had no Mikvah, hanholo was always telling the Bochurim that they are about to build it. Finally the bochurim decided they had enough, they decided to take matters into their own hands and got together one night and stated digging in the basement, the Hanholo decided they would rather it get done right and finally built the Mikvah.”

“Hey, we should do that here” says lefty turning to Avi, “what do you think?” “yeah I think it’s a great idea” answers avi “and where exactly do you plan to do it?” “oh we could do it anywhere” answers lefty, “we could do it right here” he says, pointing to the ground. Avi, on the other hand, doesn’t think Uri would appreciate a Mikvah in the dining room. “interesting you should come up with this now” comments Yirmi “mamosh hashgachacha protis, just this morning I happened to have been in the boiler room and I noticed that there is space about 5’ by 5’ without cement, perfect size to dig a Mikvah. In fact I spoke to Uri about it today, actually he says he likes the idea in theory but it seems too complicated.”

Avi & Lefty turn and look at each other, “shall we?” asks Avi? “I know where there is a shovel” answers Lefty “are you sure Uri wont kill us?”

After several minutes of discussing if Uri would like it or not Chester suddenly asks “what happened to Avi & Lefty?” “I think they actually went to start digging” answers Ber.

A quick walk down the stairs of the dorm finds avi and lefty in the boiler room digging a hole in the ground. Slowly reality began to sink in, we’re building a mikvah, we’re really gonna do it! “chevra we’re building a mikvah” the cry reverbrates throughout yeshiva, spreading like wildfire. “ay ya ya we’re building a mikvah” (t.t.t.o. throw him in the mikvah) the singing and dancing begins as the room begins filling up with bochurim. Cameras & a video camera appear. As the bochurim take turns with one little shovel and a few small buckets, a hole slowly starts to take shape.

Eli suddenly remembers that he still needs to do kiddush levana.

“uh, anybody know what we’re doing with all this dirt?” asks Avremel, pointing to the small pile of dirt in the corner which by now is occupying about ¼ of the room. “simple” says Ber “lets get some garbage cans, fill them up with dirt and dump them outside” Yanky is not as sure “yeah right Uri is going to kill us” “I don’t know” says Yirmi “I’m not taking responsibility for this one” “yeah if uri doesn’t kill us Mendy definitely will” adds Chester. Thankfully common sense prevailed and the dirt was hauled outside. “You know” muses Eli “there’s this really cool invention they came out with recently, its called a wheelbarrow”. At least price chopper is open 24 hours. A special thanks to those who sponsored the refreshments.

Many sore arms and strained backs later, the 2 corners that were filled with huge piles of dirt now contained… 2 huge piles of dirt. Dingel cant figure it out “in theory with the amount of guys we have here we should be able to shlep out the dirt faster than they could dig it out” nova disagrees “my back is already broken, I cant carry any more barrels right now”. as the night passes the crowd slowly dwindles down, the hole reaches the desired depth and all the free space in the room is now full of dirt. “we gotta get this dirt out of here” says lefty. Nobody seems to have much of an interest in schlepping more barrels of dirt. Chester has a better idea “why don’t we just throw it straight out the window?” Yirmi and Avi think that’s a great idea “you couldn’t mention that earlier?”.

“so what do you think Uri will say?” is the big question. the opinion is unanimous “he’s gonna laugh and say we’re crazy, he’s gonna think we totally went off the deep end.” Mendy on the other hand is gonna flip out. Pinny is going to be dancing for joy.

8:00am, the hole was finished, the dirt had been removed, many a cup of coffee was downed. Yirmi and Avi make use of the couches in the lobby to catch a few minutes of rest. Eventually Uri walks in “what's up?” he asks the guys “what’s going on?’ “uh.. um… I think you should check out the basement” stammers Avi “why?” Uri wants to know “what happened?” “I think you should just check out the basement first” answers Yirmi. Uri shakes his head in frustration and heads towards the basement. “I don’t think I could bear to go watch this” says avi “yeah neither could I” agrees Yirmi, Mordy, on the other hand, has no problem going down to see Uri’s reaction. Which brings us to the beginning of the story.

“Uri likes it” the word spreads like wildfire through the building as those in the yeshiva that actually got a little sleep drag their aching bones out of bed and into the shul for shacharis. After shacharis and a few long phone calls the verdict is out: we still need to dig another 3 feet down as well as expand the length three feet.

Half the yeshiva goes on a shabbaton and shabbos comes in real early in the winter. But still the guys manage to get a nice amount of work done. As soon as shabbos is out the guys get right to work. By now there are a few more tools to work with, instead of just one shovel and two little buckets there is a shovel (there were 2 briefly but one broke), a little gardening shovel, 4 little buckets and a sledgehammer. The work doesn’t get any easier as the hole gets deeper, by the time the guys get back from the shabbaton they barely recognize the place “wow you guys really dug a lot since we left” comments ??? of course they did have some extra help, thank you Gary & Shlomo. by now the guys in the hole could use a break but somehow manage to continue on working late into the night.

Sunday comes along and someone finally decides that a wheelbarrow and pickax would be a good idea. After an adventurous trip to home depot (what are you guys doing with that stuff? “oh nothing much we just have a couple of bodies we need to get rid of”)-not to mention a 45 minute search for the wheelbarrows, we go high tech: a decent shovel, a pickax and wheelbarrow. By now the digging would’ve really been moving along had we not been digging through thickly packed rocks, coal and clay with a little bit of dirt mixed in. luckily the hole reaches the desired dimensions before anyone gets a hernia.

well this is as far as I got. Maybe one day I'll finish it (yeah right, don't hold your breath)

to make a long story short the mikvah was eventualy finished. In fact, by now it's pretty nice.
iy"h I'll post some before and after pics if i can track them down.

since Dovid insisted...

yeah, whatever...

You Are Dr. Pepper

You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you. People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do. Your best soda match: Root Beer Stay away from: 7 Up

What Kind of Soda Are You?

A few shiduchim rules

Here are a few rules & words of advice for those on the "shiduch market"

rule #1. Always have directions.

rule #2. When disregarding rule #1, ask for directions BEFORE driving for 2 hours trying to figure out where you are.

rule #3. Never lock your keys in the car when you're picking her up.

rule #4. Always have jumper cables in your car.

rule #5. When disregarding rule #4, make sure your lights are off when you leave the car.

rule #6. Never go to a spot on the same night as your friend.

rule #7. When disregarding rules 4, 5 and 6, don't ask your friend if he has jumper cables.

rule #8. Always bring your ID, especially if you intend to go to a bar.

Thieving Mechanics 2

Why do Mechanics have such a bad rap? Or a more fitting question: why are most mechanics thieves, giving them their bad rap?

I always figured it was because they're dealing with people who know so little about their product so it's easy to get away with practicably anything.

Lately I've been thinking about it (uh oh!) and I realized there has to be more than that. There are plenty of professions where the repairmen / technicians are dealing with people who know virtually nothing about their product.

Take a computer technician for example. I would imagine most people who call computer techs for simple problems don't know their RAM from their ROM from their CPU, in other words they have no clue whets in that box thingy that the monitor is plugged into. I'm sure an unscrupulous tech could convince a customer who only needs some very basic maintenance to upgrade his RAM.

How about a plumber? How many people actually know how their plumbing works? What's to stop a plumber from robbing their customers blind?

So why is it that auto mechanics are a bunch of thieves? Are unscrupulous people attracted to this profession?

They say the reason pharmacists need so much schooling is in order to decipher doctors' handwriting. I think in mechanic school they teach you how to rob people.

The Priceless Bracha

All these people making Chinese Auctions seem to be getting desperate. The prizes just keep getting stranger and stranger.

The following is from an auction brochure i was looking at over Shabbos:

31. priceless Bracha
This unique trip to eretz Yisroel includes a Bracha from one of the Gedolei Yisroel, Roundtrip airfare and 7 night hotel stay for 2.

Call me a heretic, but I find that pretty funny.

If somebody needs a Tzadik's bracha I hope he's not holding his breath waiting to win it in the auction.
Also, what the going rate on brachos these days? I was always under the impression that the point of a chinese auction (to the consumer) is to give people a chance to give tzedaka while providing them with a chance to win something they couldn't otherwise afford.

Thieving Mechanics

There is a joke that was used in comedy skits back when I was in camp.
(I'll be nice and leave out the ethnicity of those portrayed in this skit)
"We have good news & bad news, the good news is today we all change our underwear.
the bad news is: you change with him, he changes with him etc."


Earlier today I noticed that my car is passed due for an oil change. As I was contemplating where to bring it for the oil change I remembered the last time i took my car for an oil change in Brooklyn...

There's this mechanic shop (I can't remember the name) that would put cards under my windshield wipers approximately every 3 days advertising super low rates for various check-ups & maintenance. I've been wanting to try the $6.99 oil change for a while, but i figured it has to be some kind of scam, it's too good to be true.
eventually I decided to try it out, I figured I'll just be very wary, keep my guard up and hopefully I'll figure out the catch or scam before it's too late. I figured i can always go elsewhere if I don't like what they tell me.

Early the next morning I pulled into the garage and told the guy I wanted an oil change. "Alright" he tells me, "that will be $16.99" so i showed him the coupon and asked for that rate. he told me if I want that it's fine, but for that rate i get some super-cheap generic brand of oil, if I want the good stuff i need to pay more.

So I'm thinking "Aha, so that's the scam, the classic 'bait & switch' they just publish the low rate to get you in the door then try to sell you a more expensive product" so i figured I'm already there i might as well get it done there, I wasn't interested in shlepping elsewhere. I opted for the more expensive option & the mechanic went to the back room and got the bottles of Mobil oil.

I didn't particularly trust these guys, so I stuck around watching the guy change the oil. I started getting really bored and decided to read the label on the bottle of oil. Immediately I realized that something is not quite right, I thought it was pretty strange that a new bottle of oil should be so dirty and oily. Then i noticed that the seal was broken, the Bottle had been opened previously! So It's not just a bait & switch...

I didn't say anything yet, I decided to wait and see what he would do. He finished with draining the oil and changing the filter and prepared to refill my oil, he reached down, took a bottle of oil and was about to start pouring. "You know what?" I told him, "I would feel a lot more comfortable if you used an unopened bottle of oil for that" the guy didn't even bat an eyelash, I doubt he would've blushed if he could have (he was a really dark Jamaican). he simply took away the old bottles of oil without saying a word and came back with new bottles which he gave me to inspect before using.

I can only hope that they had refilled the bottle with the cheap generic oil. I sure hope they weren't about to fill up my car with the oil from the last guy who came for an oil change. I really hope the next sucker that came in didn't get my oil.

If I'm not mistaken "honest mechanic" is on the list of top 10 oxymorons.

So now I need to figure out where to take my car for an oil change. I was considering just changing the oil myself, but than I read this thing about how to change your oil and i changed my mind.

I guess it's off to Jiffy Lube...

to be continued...

Simple solution to the Badatz politics

I think the real problem here is that the Rabbonim are simply not getting together to work things out, so I came up with a solution to get them to work together:

Go to R' Ozdoba, Tell him we need a psak for something, but tell him R' Schwei said it's ossur. Obviously he'll say it's mutar.

Next go to R' Schwei, Tell him we need a psak for something, but tell him R' Ozdoba said it's ossur. Obviously he'll say it's mutar.

Now we have a problem, both gave a psak saying it's mutar. So now each one will want to recant his psak because the other one also gave the same psak. However, each one doesn't know if he should recant the psak or not because maybe the other one will also recant!

They are going to have no choice but to get together to work out who is going to keep the psak and who is going to recant. Now that we have them together we can start work out the differences...

Old men & dirty jokes

I was considering writing about the elections in CH (for some reason the title really seems to fit these elections) but I decided to hold off on that for a while.

Why is it that old men seem to think that dirty jokes are appropriate for any crowd and occasion? Why does it seem that it's always old men telling inappropriate jokes in the wrong time and place?

why do I bring this up now?

I was at a party in a fancy treif restaurant yesterday, (that could be a whole post in of itself, maybe later if I have the time) standing in a room full of people the average age of whom must've been at least 75. After about 45 seconds in the room, just as despair is about to set in, just as I start thinking "Oh no, what am I doing here? How am I possibly going to make it through this party?" I turn around and my eyes light up, "you know what?" I begin to think "I may just make it through this party after all" I was standing right next to the bar.
After driving the bartender crazy to see all the mixes and juices to see what's kosher, I finally settle on a vodka with cranberry juice. My smile only got bigger as I watched him mix my drink. It started with a big glass of ice (the kind they usually put by your place setting for your water, not the little ones they usually use for the cocktails) which was filled with about 4/5 grey goose and 1/5 juice. The bartender told me it might be a bit strong, I may want to dilute it a bit more. I thought that was a good idea so I quickly drank about 1/4 of the cup to make room for some more juice.

--- I interupt to describe the scene in my apartment: I'm sitting on the couch, wearing the hearing protection i usualy use for shooting, typing this on my laptop. my apartment probably has a maximum legal capacity of like 6 people, there must be at least 25 brothers & sisters in-law and cousins etc. who are in town for the party in here. ---

Getting back to the point of this whole story: I'm standing by the bar after about 2 of those drinks and having been introduced to a whole bunch of people who I don't remember (I'm pretty sure one of the guys was named Monty) and I'm talking to some old guy (I don't remember his name) and he asked me to tell him a Jewish joke. I told him a joke I happened to have read earlier that day, he then proceeded to tell me what would best be described as an x-rated joke.

Now why would this guy think I wanted to hear that joke? Isn't there a time and place for everything? It's not like we were a couple of guys standing over the keg at a frat party.
why do old men seem to think that It's always the right time and place for a dirty joke? Why does it seem that it's always an old man who makes the inappropriate jokes and comments? I'm not talking about a slip of the tongue or making a comment or joke which was overheard by somebody who shouldn't have heard it. That's a whole different parshah.

Do people simply lose their sensitivity when they grow old? Do they simply forget that there a concept of decency? Maybe people just stop caring when they get old.
I doubt it's related to aging because the older women are always telling their husbands off for saying inappropriate things. "oh Ed, hush it, there are children here"

Maybe there is a special gene in men which makes their minds turn dirty when they get old, makes them forget that some content is not suitable for all ages and situations.

Maybe it's just my imagination, maybe its not always the old guys, maybe the same guys who were grub when they were young remain grub when they get old.
Maybe it just seems like it's always an old men because it sticks out more when coming from an old man. Maybe it's just because we expect more from somebody that old, we think that with so many years of life experiences under their belts they would wizen up a bit.

Then again maybe not.

I hate southwest +why start this blog

Why start a blog now?
I've been planning on starting a blog quite a while ago, I just haven't been bored enough to actually do it. I was reading Chasidishe Shaigitz's post about airlines and was going to post a comment about my trip. I started typing my comment and it just kept getting longer and longer and longer, eventually I realized that this needs a post all of its own. So basically, if you don't like my blog, know that it's all Chasidishe Shaigitz's fault!

well, on to the post:

I just flew southwest going to cali for pesach, that airline is out of hand.

after this it's back to jetblue...

It all started with a 6:45 am flight from Islip. (I know that's crazy but I couldn't pass up this buy one get one free deal).

First of all, what the heck is that no preassigned seat business all about? Would it really cost them that much to print "16F" on my boarding pass?!
All I could say is thank G-d I was traveling with a baby and was able to preboard. (if you've ever traveled with a baby "thank G-d I was traveling with a baby" is probably not something you would ever expect to hear) I really felt bad for all those people standing in line for an hour so they could grab a decent seat. (mental note to self: never fly southwest without a baby)

Overall the flight to Cali was pretty uneventful, although, going from Chicago to Oakland I got the chance to feel what those sardines go through being crammed into those cans. (these seats are simply not designed for people over 6' tall) not to mention that I was lucky enough to get the row right in front of the exit row so my seat only leaned back about 1 inch.

Now my flight back, that was a completely different story. It started out as one of those real "Murphy's law" days. And it started before I got to the airport. I had a rental car I needed to return (at a local location, not at the airport) and of course I forgot to fill up gas the night before. We figured the best thing would be if we went together to the rental place and than straight from there to the airport. (of course by now we're starting to run a little bit late) since I needed to fill up gas I decided to go ahead, fill up gas, and have them meet me at the rental place. I get to the gas station and reach into my pocket, only to realize that I left my license, credit card & cash on the dining room table. (the rest of my wallet went in my backpack, its easier on the security checks)

Anywho, to make a long story short, we arrived at the airport 45 minutes before take off. We go to the ticket counter, (we had already checked in online, but apparently that doesn't have any use when flying southwest with an infant) and proceed to re-check in.
for those who are unaware, southwest's luggage policy is 3 bags per person, max 50lb per bag. Between the 2 of us we had 3 bags, one about 40lb, one 54lb and one about 20lb. The 54lb one happened to be the last one I put on the scale (until this point I didn't know they used those scales!)
the woman tells me "that bag weighs 54lb, the limit is 50lb per bag, do you think you can move some stuff to another bag? If not we have to charge you $25"
me: "you're kidding, right?"
apparently she was actually serious, so, fuming mad, I open up my suitcase and try to decide which of my clean, neatly folded clothes do I want to dump in my duffel bag full of dirty laundry? Finally I get it down to 51lb, the woman says "ok, that's good enough" then she takes a tag that says "51-100 lbs" and affixes it to my suitcase.
now what could she have possibly be thinking by afixing that tag?!
What's the reason for the 50lb rule? Is it to warn the baggage handlers that it's heavy? I'm sure they can really tell the difference between a 49lb bag and a 51lb bag!
maybe it was to make sure they didn't have too much weight on one side of the plane, after all, we sure don't want to have an off balance load. (mental note to self: never fly southwest. Ever.)

I guess there are brain dead people who are just following procedure in every industry.

well we Finally get our boarding passes and head toward the gate. (just under 30 min. To take-off) encountering a line by security the likes of which I haven't seen since immediately following 9/11. So I go to the front of the line and tell the guy I have a 10:00 flight which I don't want to miss. he tells me don't worry, I've got plenty of time. Then he decides to look at my boarding pass. "oh, you're going to gate 12, no, you're not going to make it" (in the back of my mind it kind of registered what that meant: I would be running to the other end of the airport to catch my flight)

I use to think it was annoying taking a laptop through airport security. Then I started taking a baby & stroller and I realized a laptop is pretty easy. (compared to the baby & stroller, having to deal with both at the same time is not for the feint of heart...)

after practically running to the other end of the airport we realize that our plane has not yet arrived at the gate. (yay, we get to preboard!)
Thank G-d we got the front row seats (actually enough room for my legs!) about 10 minutes after take off a thought starts going through my head "I wish we didn't have that stopover in salt lake city, I'm really not in the mood of changing planes in an hour"
well there wasn't much time to dwell on that thought, my baby had other plans for me. Lets just say white spit-up doesn't look too good on a blue shirt. And I'm not just talking about a couple of drops, the entire front of my shirt was covered. As I'm heading to the bathroom to clean myself up I hear a woman somewhere behind me muttering to her friend "poor guy..."

after a little chat with some mormons and a headache from the kid 2 rows back who didn't stop crying we arrive in salt lake city and head toward our connecting flight when a feeling of dread begins to overcome me. The sign by the gate?
flight 1972 (I think)
Baltimore
Islip
after verifying that my flight does indeed stop in Baltimore I find myself thinking: "funny, I don't seem to remember a stop in Baltimore being mentioned in my itinerary. I guess since we don't deplane they don't find it necessary to inform us" (reconfirm mental note to self: never fly southwest. Ever.)

the rest of the flight was pretty uneventful, B"H we got the front row again, also there were a few empty seats so we were able to bring the car seat on.

one downside of the front row:
for some reason I thought the stop in salt lake city would be a bit longer and I would be able to daven there. (foolish me thinking if I got up at 7 I would actually have time to daven before leaving to the airport...) it's kind of annoying putting on my talis and tefillin with every single person on the plane watching.

after that nothing really exciting happened, eventually we made it home. (I realize I've been spoiled all this time having the airports so close to home. Now I really feel for all those people who are hours from any airport)

bottom line: southwest is not for me. I'm sticking with jet blue. (this bring to mind the time I thought I had a horrible flight because the directv wasn't working properly)